My joke posting for today was declared SPAM and it did not post. I was also warned that if I continued I would be declared a spammer and banned.

I guess humor is lost on the spambots.



Best, Duncan

THE (definitive)DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN

Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months!
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment?  Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... So that means it was ...let's  see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means, lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl, romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? Where is my warranty?
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh , I feel so..."  (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I  really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no white horse."
"There's no white horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really  feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul and weeps until dawn.
Roger gets back to his place; he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what,  and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball the next day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,
”Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!

Kiwi's Revenge

A Maori bloke called Rangi was driving through Rotorua, when off in  the distance he saw a booze bus (police). 

Rangi thinks this is great and heads straight for it. He pulls up and Rangi winds his window down and says,"Two cans of Lion Red thanks mate!!" 

The copper looks at Rangi and says "You must be drunk! Get out of your old truck and blow into this bag for me." 

Rangi got out of the truck and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that." 

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample."   

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doing that either. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to death.  Sorry Boss, can't do that" said Rangi. 

By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine sample for testing.. 

Rangi looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either." 

The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that! 

"Bloody oath mate" says Rangi.  "It's from the government. Called the Treaty of Waitangi.. Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Maori."

Cheers

KW

MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....