Good 'ol Jimmy Cooper

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollipop and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company', he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving' 'Jason is on his skate board....'


After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'


' Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'

Regards Skip

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.


Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the  stupidity of your act.


Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,  the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


Variation Law
If you change lines in grocery store (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically  when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.


Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


  Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.


Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.   


Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


Brown's Law 
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.   


Oliver's Law 
A closed mouth gathers no feet.



Wilson 's Law   
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.  (this one is true every time!)   

Doctors' Law 
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.  Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. 

Hey Tonto

     A man boarded  an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in,
     he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his  seat
     and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
    
     'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
    
     She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'
    
     He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and  she was
     going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
    
     Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
    
     'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
    
     'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
    
     'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are  the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to  possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
    
     Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'
    
     'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

Have a nice day
Regards Skip
    
    

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ####?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.